On a recent call with a group of men, we asked each of them to name their superpower. Most answers were what you'd expect, things like discipline or grit under pressure.
Then a man in his seventies, who had just carried the biggest project of his career across the finish line, took a long pause and said something we haven't stopped thinking about. "My true superpower is the support of my wife."
He talked about the warmth in her voice when she called to check on him during a brutal stretch of work. He talked about what it felt like, years earlier, to build things he knew nothing about yet, with her standing behind him the whole way. And he said that when that support came back into his marriage after a hard season, everything else got easier. The work got easier. Even the gym got easier.
Support is specific, and it's small
When most people picture support, they picture something big. A grand gesture, a sacrifice, maybe a speech. What actually moved this man was a thirty-second phone call. His wife checked in while he was running late on a long day, with warmth in her voice instead of worry, and he said that one call did more for him than anything else that month.
We heard the other side of the story too, separately, in her own words. For months they'd both been so consumed by their own projects that acknowledging each other had shrunk down to "you're exhausted, I'm exhausted, let's not talk about it." Her schedule never changed. She simply started showing real interest in what he was building again. She asked about it, and then she did the rare thing, which is listen all the way through the answer.
Neither of them called it a strategy. Both of them, independently, called it the thing that changed everything else.
"My true superpower is the support of my wife."
Celebrate the win while it's still warm
Her favorite moment from that stretch happened in a restaurant. He mentioned, almost in passing, that this was the biggest project he had ever taken on. She stood up, walked around the table, and hugged him right there between the appetizers.
That was the whole move, and weeks later he was still talking about it.
A win celebrated in the moment lands in the body. A win mentioned a week later lands as information. If your partner tells you something they're proud of, even quietly, even sideways, stop what you're doing and mark it. Say it back to them with energy. You'll both remember your reaction longer than the win itself, because to the person you married, your reaction is the scoreboard.
This works double when you're both tired. Exhaustion is exactly when acknowledgment disappears from a marriage, and exactly when it's worth the most. A high-five costs nothing on a night when you have nothing left.
The upward spiral
There's a pattern we see in strong marriages, and this couple ran it beautifully. One partner softens a little. The other, feeling safer and more believed in, steps up and leads a little more. The first partner, seeing that, offers more warmth and more belief. Around it goes, each turn a little higher. He starts saying things like "I want to be a better version of who I was yesterday." She starts hearing a warmth from him that had gone missing. Neither of them can say who started it.
That last part matters, because the reverse spiral runs on the same engine. One withdrawn evening invites another. Criticism invites distance, and distance invites more criticism. Same mechanism, opposite direction, and most couples ride one spiral or the other without ever noticing there's a choice.
You can't control which spiral your partner starts. You can absolutely control which one you start, tonight, with one warm check-in or one real question.
If you've slipped into parallel lives
Plenty of good marriages drift here, especially when both people are building something. You love each other, the logistics run fine, and every conversation is about the contractor, the kids' schedule, or the invoice. You know your partner's calendar by heart, and you couldn't name their biggest worry this week.
A few small moves bring it back.
Ask one real question tonight about the thing your partner is carrying. Something like "what's the hardest part of what you're building right now?" Then listen without fixing, because the point is for them to feel seen, and advice can wait for an invitation.
Make one thirty-second call this week for no reason except warmth. If you heard the call we heard, you'd never skip this one again. The man didn't remember a single word his wife said. He remembered how her voice sounded.
And when a win shows up, any win, celebrate it on the spot like it matters. Cross the restaurant if you have to.
Support costs minutes a day. The man on our call has built real wealth over decades, and when asked what made it all possible, he skipped past every skill and every deal and named his wife. There's probably someone in your house who would love the chance to be named like that, and someone who would love to do the naming.
Start with tonight's question, and see what comes back. Then, if you two want a full weekend of building this together, with the money side of the partnership on the table too, join us at the next Love & Money event. Details and tickets are at events.lovejaam.com.
